Joke for today

[crazyhorse]

I was pulled over by a deputy sheriff last night.
Boy did I get lucky!!!
He was dyslexic.

I received a ticket for an I.U.D.

[Thipdar]

I heard about a dyslexic devil-worshiper that accidentally sold his soul to Santa...

[crazyhorse]

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school .

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What denomination do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The youngest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

[crazyhorse]

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me?
Under your robe perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

[crazyhorse]

So I get home today, and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raise these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put it back in the cage and went back home.
About 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[crazyhorse]

Surprise, surprise, the oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple with extremely limited memory, only one byte.
Then everything crashed. ;D

[cep62]

Eve was the first computer operator,

She had an Apple in one hand....


...and a Wang in the other.


(for those that never heard of Wang computers.)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wang_Laboratories

[crazyhorse]

Boudreaux's wife had been pregnant for quite some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the hospital and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over and said, " Boudreaux, you just had a son! Ain't dat something?"

Boudreaux got so excited about dis but just then the doctor looked up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a baby girl. Hey said, "Hee Boudreaux, you got yourself a little girl"
Boudreaux got a puzzled look on his face and all of the sudden the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain't finished yet!"
Then he delivered another baby boy.

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three babies, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night we ran out a Vaseline and had to use dat "Tree-in-one oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah I do!" Boudreaux said, " Its a good ting we didn't use WD-40!

[crazyhorse]

Mr James, I agree.

Did you hear about the dyslexic-- when he was stressed , he ate d e s s e r t s for relief.
Desserts spelled backward = stressed.

[crazyhorse]

Don't order hay for your horses or cattle from Amazon. A couple days later they will ask for feed back.

[crazyhorse]

The husband, had just purchased his new dream truck and was somewhat reluctant for his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the Supermarket which was only a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
“ Dear please remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

[bellamor]

I find it funny, so allow me to share it on this old thread.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

[jzjames]

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

-Will Rogers