Joke for today

[crazyhorse]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.

" The minister smiled and said, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business too."

[jimmy828]

So true!!!

[sargentrs]

[crazyhorse]

When words don't work.

There was a bit of confusion at the grocery store this morning.
A blond was checking out her groceries in front of me.
The cashier looked at her and said "strip down, facing me" in a very authoritative voice.
She immediately pulled off every stitch of her clothing..
Everyone was pointing and laughing at her.
So she looked at the cashier and said,
"is this Homeland Security rules"?

The cashier said ,ma'am ,
I was referring to your credit card.

[crazyhorse]

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.

The blond said " I named one Rolex, and the other one Timex".

Her friend said, " why would you name your dogs names like that " ?

The blond said "HellllOOOooo," .

"They're WATCH dogs.

[crazyhorse]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts..
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE: (What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth..!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN..
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card..
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[crazyhorse]

What goes Zzub Zzub?,
A bee flying backwards.

What does a bee look for when it crosses its legs?
A BP station .

Why isn't there much honey in Brazil.
Because there is only one B in Brazil!

Why do Bees hum ?
Because they always forget the words!.

What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit ?
A honey bunny.

[crazyhorse]

Bill asked the Preacher to pray for his hearing.
After a few minutes of fervent prayer with his hands clasped over Bill's ears the entire time,
the Preacher stopped praying and asked , how is your hearing now?

Bill said , I don't know, its coming up this Monday at the Courthouse.

[crazyhorse]

Bean thinking how up-beet I am from all the peas and love in the world. ;D

Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot
Whatever the weather
We'll weather the weather
Whether we like the weather or not.

Two little bunnies, bless their souls,
Go hiding in their holes,
Sometime later they emerge a seething mob,
It must have been an inside job. ;D

Knee - A device for finding rocks in your garden.
Green Fingers - Something everyone else has plenty of.
Perennial - This year, possibly; next year, unlikely.
Seed catalogue - A work of fiction and fantasy photos.
Spade - a backache generator.

[crazyhorse]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step
and barks repeatedly.
No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door.
He does this again and again.

No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually a small guy opens it and starts yelling and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the heck are you doing?
This dog's a genius!”

The owner responds,
"Genius, my eye!


That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!”

[59yblockf100]

[crazyhorse]

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?

NO says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.

NO says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,

Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a big bag of candy if you just hop on the back of my bike.

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...

Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...


YOU RIDE IT!!

[colnago]

They say that 90% of all Harleys ever made are still on the road today.

The other 10% were able to make it home.

[MadJoe]

Mechanic 1: "Are there any advantages to being addicted to brake fluid?"

Mechanic 2: "What do you mean, addicted? I can stop any time I want."

[Lone Ranger]

Nice!