Joke for the day

[crazyhorse]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.
She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed.
Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....
)......................)
..........................
.............................

............................

'You just happened to ...............




catch my eye.'

[crazyhorse]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

"Oh, come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[crazyhorse]

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. '
'Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.
'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.

How are you feeling?'"

Now Judge, be honest, what would you have said.

[cep62]

Welcome back.
I don't know where you get these , but I like em.

[crazyhorse]

Mr Cep, thank you sir.

[crazyhorse]

A father walked past his son’s bedroom one day and had to do a double take. He was so surprised to see that the bed was nicely made, and the room was finally clean with no clothes left on the floor.
He proceeded to enter his son’s bedroom.
That was when he noticed an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
All it read was “Dad”.
Sweat slowly started creeping up on the father as he opened the envelope with trembling hands…

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes.
Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s also pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
Joshua

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on the [censored] table.
Call when it’s safe for me to come home!

[crazyhorse]

Boudreaux, walking past his favorite restaurant one morning, noticed a sign in the window that read "Ask About Our Breakfast Special." So he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's da breakfast special ?" he asked.
"Baked chicken tongue," she replied proudly.
"Baked chicken tongue?!? Do you know how disgusting dat sounds?
I wouldn't never tink about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth !!!" Boudreaux screamed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"


Boudreaux replied, "Aw, jus' bring me some scrambled eggs."

[crazyhorse]

Three old dogs were just hanging out together- Sarge the bulldog---a Doberman---and the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
The most beautiful Collie slowly walked by, these old boys couldn't take their eyes off her.
She loved the attention & walked over, boys which ever one of you can make a good sentence using liver & cheese I'm yours.
Sarge said "I love liver & cheese", the silky Collie just shook her head,
The Doberman said "I hate liver & cheese"" that is so not original" said the Collie,
the little Taco Chihuahua said,

"liver alone boys---cheese mine"

[Lone Ranger]

So a doctor sits down at his desk to fill out a prescription, he goes to pull out his pen and pulls out an anal thermometer. He looks up from his desk and says, "Dang, some bums got my pen!"

[crazyhorse]

The Calculating Sheepdog


After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog.



“But I rounded them up.”

[crazyhorse]

Marie was a new young bride when she calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Boudreaux he don't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now" her mother said. "I'm sure it was all jus' all a misunderstanding."
"No momma, you don't understand. I brought a frozen turkey to fix for dinner and he yelled and screamed at me about da price!"
"Well, da nerve of dat cheapskate!" says her mom. "Dose turkeys dey only a few dollars."
"No, momma it wasn't da price of the turkey he was mad about, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need a airplane ticket for mon cher?"
"Well momma, when I went to fix da turkey, I looked at da directions on da package and it say 'Prepare from a frozen state' . . .

so I flew to Minnesota!"

[ToughOldFord]

[crazyhorse]

A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off on my truck repair.
I was sooo relieved when he told me all I needed was some turn signal fluid.”


Gingerbread man is a perfect man,
he’s cute, he’s sweet
and if he gives you any heck,

you can bite his head off.

[crazyhorse]

I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
So I called in sick .

Here is a simple exercise that really helps you to lose weight:
1- Turn your head to the left.
Good.
2- Now turn your head to the right.
Very good.
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.


Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.
The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”


An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…
your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

[crazyhorse]

Real Gardeners know they're going to live forever.
Why else would a ninety-year-old gardener plant two oak tree seedlings,
then look through a catalog

for a hammock.