Joke for today

[crazyhorse]

[crazyhorse]

We have a new grocery store in our area.
When you approach the produce section you hear thunder and a fine mist rains down on the produce with an aroma is released of a fresh spring day. When you approach the meat isle you hear cows mooing and the aroma of charcoal steaks and onions fills the air.
As you approach the egg area, you can hear hens clucking and smell bacon and eggs frying.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore .

[Ohiotinkerer]

We have a new grocery store in our area.
When you approach the produce section you hear thunder and a fine mist rains down on the produce with an aroma is released of a fresh spring day. When you approach the meat isle you hear cows mooing and the aroma of charcoal steaks and onions fills the air.
As you approach the egg area, you can hear hens clucking and smell bacon and eggs frying.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore .

Now that's funny........

[crazyhorse]

80 year old grandma & birth control pills.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes Dr, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these birth control pills that
could possibly help you sleep!"
Mrs Smith reached out and gently patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes Dr, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks,
And Dr believe me, it REALLY DOES help me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas.

[crazyhorse]

Marriage used to be matrimony, but now it is ------ matter o’ money.

A man said the only reason why his home was not blown away in the storm was because there was a heavy mortgage on it.

You say that Mr. Jay was your tutor?”
“No, sir.
I said he taught me the French horn.
He taught me to toot--
hence I call him my tooter.”

A man sentenced to death for having two wives, stormed out,
"How could you do this?
The priest himself told me I could have 16 wives:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

[crazyhorse]

When Tee-Boudreux was a college freshman at LSU, being fresh out of the swamps, and a rather healthy young man, he figured he'd try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach on his first day of practice.

"Watch dis." Tee Boudreaux told him, & proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.

"Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed". "Can you run?"

"Mais sure ah can run" said Tee-Boudreaux. He took off like a shot and in just over nine seconds..he ran a 100 yards.

"Great" exclaimed the excited coach.. "But can you pass a football?"

Tee rolled his eyes....hesitated a few seconds & said, "Mais, coach...If ah can swallow it....I can probably pass it".

[crazyhorse]

Blonde is doing a puzzle.

https://www.tmn.today/2017/07/blonde-joke-doing-puzzle/

[crazyhorse]

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly


THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad

[crazyhorse]

One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane.
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't take advantage of me?"
The farmer said, "Heck, lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose.
How in God's name could I possibly do that?"
The little old lady said,
"Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens."

[dudingbos]

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

[crazyhorse]

TWO PRIESTS---Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning Father,” . . . “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

[crazyhorse]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

[crazyhorse]

Well with tax time coming up I just had to post this.


Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[crazyhorse]

Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph.

[crazyhorse]

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus