Joke for the day

[crazyhorse]

Two antennas met, fell in love, and got married.
The wedding was okay,


but the reception was great.



Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[crazyhorse]

A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation.
I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look.


But your client didn’t."

[crazyhorse]

Must let tom pick onion.

http://i.imgur.com/DcToLdG.jpg

[crazyhorse]

I am a Seenager (senior teenager)



"I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have my own Bump.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good!"

[crazyhorse]

I am a Seenager (senior teenager)



"I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have my own Bump.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don’t have acne.

Life is Good!"

Sorry for the double post. I tried to delete one but to no avail.

[crazyhorse]

Old man mentioned to the doc that he thought his wife was having hearing problems.
Doc told him a quick test to do at home & if she failed just make an appointment.
40 ft away the old man in a normal voice asked what's for supper
No response
30' again what's for supper--no response
20 ft' same question same response
10' same thing
the old man came right up behind her & a little louder asked What's for supper,
his little old wife turned around & yelled back "For The Fifth Time Chicken".

[crazyhorse]

A husband and wife were shopping when the man put a case of beer in their cart.
His wife asks, " What do you think you are doing?
We can't afford that". H
e said it is on sale for $10.00.
She tells him to put it back.

A couple of isles over the wife puts a jar of face cream in the buggy and the husband asked, " What do you think your doing buying that?
She says it is only $20.00 and it makes me beautiful !
He said so does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half price of that!!

You can find him laying face down on aisle 5.

[crazyhorse]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head.
'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.
The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ...

com-for-da-bull."

[sargentrs]

[crazyhorse]

Woman writes letter to her husband explaining why she is leaving hime.

https://www.wattpad.com/187999696-country-quotes-79

[crazyhorse]

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you."
He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard.
I've already been through a test.
My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year?
Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean.
I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name?
It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said,

"Run, Forest, Run!"

[wildcard]

[crazyhorse]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?
’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber.
‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
’ The boy licked his cone and replied,
‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

[SSW]

A guy from Texas and a guy from Arkansas are driving on the ranch of the guy from Arkansas and the Texan guy says, "this is an awful small ranch" The guy from Arkansas doesn't think anything of it and goes on. The Texan says,"my ranch is so big I can leave at 1:00 in the morning and get to the other side by the end of the day" The guy from Arkansas says, "I used to have a truck like that"

[crazyhorse]

Got pulled over today..
Cop came up and said he just worked a long day and ended his shift.
.He said if I had a good reason for speeding that he'd let me go..

I said Officer my wife left me 5 years ago for a cop,


and I thought you was bringing her back..

he said..


Have a good day Sir...