Joke for the day

[crazyhorse]

What do you get if you mix beans & onions?


Tear gas.

[crazyhorse]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/ ... 648730a42a

[crazyhorse]

A perfect man!!!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank.

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change
a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do
everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow..."

[chad67]

During the early 1900's, a journalist questioned an aspiring politician. "Do you believe in clubs for women?" he was asked. He replied, "Only when all other means of persuasion fail!"

[crazyhorse]

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.

' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.
' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..
' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.
' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??

[crazyhorse]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,

he says


"Hi, my name is Kevin,

it's Winter in Michigan

and I'm driving the



SALT TRUCK!"

[crazyhorse]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

[crazyhorse]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling …

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today too ,

if that ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

[crazyhorse]

Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

[Cainam]

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.

[Cainam]

A dentist had a man come to him about some bad teeth. After an exam, the dentist told the man "You were right to come in and get looked at. You have two molars that are so bad that they need to be removed. I can do it right now, so if you lean back, we'll get some novocain in you and we'll take care of it."

The man says "No, doc. I've already experienced the two most painful things it is possible for a man live through. I don't need any drugs. Just pull them."

They argue back and forth a bit, and finally the dentist agrees. Fully expecting the guy to jump through the roof, he reached into his mouth with the tongs, grabs on, and YANK! Out comes the first tooth. The man just sits there. Hardly believing what jus happened, the dentist grabs the second tooth and YANK! Pops it right out. The man doesn't even blink.

"Good lord! What in the world happened to you that made that seem like nothing?!?"

"Well, doc, a few years ago some buddies and I went on a hunting trip. I had to answer a call of nature, so I ducked behind a bush. I didn't realize it, but I squatted right over a bear trap. When the turd hit the trigger, it snapped shut right on my family jewels. That was the second worst pain I have ever experienced."

With a horrified look on his face, the dentist asked "MY GOD! THE SECOND WORST? WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT?"

The guy grimaced, sighed, and told him "When I reached the end of the chain. . ."

[crazyhorse]

Mr Cainam Mr Cainam

[390bump]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me."

[crazyhorse]

Mr Bump Mr Bump

[crazyhorse]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its behind, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia .
This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its behind, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck.
This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its behind, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the heck are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”